How To Handle And Tackle Conflict In Relationships

It is inevitable that you will have conflict and disagreements with your significant other. Conflict is ultimately healthy. It allows for mutual growth and deepens your love and understanding for one another if both parties are mature enough to resolve conflict.

How Do Conflict Arise?

Mainly, conflict is caused by self deception, selfishness and the lack of love for the other. Conflict brews a perspectival clash on a particular issue which hurts and brings about suffering for both parties.

Both parties become so entrenched in their own perspectives that they refuse to accept the conflicting narrative. This then develops into a form of self righteousness whereby both parties think that they are some pitied victim wronged by the other.

Selfishness

Conflict is nothing more than selfishness. You are so selfish in fact, that you try to monopolize your perspective over the other person. This can become gaslighting when the both of you are undermining each others realities subconsciously.

You might say "I'm not selfish! Look at what she/he has done xyz blah blah blah" To which I say, there can be no conflict if there is only love. Consider and reflect on what you have done wrong and welcome vulnerability to fill into the air.

Root of The Issue

Sometimes, you need to see past the flames and fire and see that they are really not having conflict over the superficial thing they say they are upset with. Usually, your partner have deeper psychological needs that she/he cannot verbalized.

Perhaps what they actually want is love. Then tell them. "I feel that the conflict you cause over this is meaningless, you really just want love, and I am sorry that I was not able to fulfill your needs. I will do better now." and give them a kiss.

The ability to identify and rectify the actual issue will help your conflict resolution way quicker and smoother without causing too much damage.

NVC Approach

This is the proper way to communicate when you want to adress conflict. This is a process I've taken from Marshall Rosenbergs book; "Nonviolent Communication".

1. Verbalize Observations
2. State Feelings
3. Express Needs
4. Suggest Requests

I will have a post about nonviolent communication in the future as I understand it better and practice it myself. Currently I lack the experience needed to speak about the topic "nonviolent communication" intelligently.

Initiating Resolution

To resolve conflict you need to take the responsibility to extend the branch of love and understanding to open a dialogue about the issue. You need to recognize that you hold no monopoly over the truth, and differing perspectives must be accepted for an accurate depiction whether you like it or not.

You both must then be willing to speak about your fears and welcome reassurance. A person who loves you will ultimately give you the gift of their care, love and forgiveness. Do not be so quick to judge and condemn the other person, as you did chose to be with that person in the first place.

Observe and notice that in the past, they have given you exactly what you were looking for and you have taken the benefit of their presence for granted. You in turn, have used their presence to grow yourself, and with your evolution, you now meet new challenges that was out of your awareness before.

Maintaining Stability

Often the other will try to use emotional upheaval or manipulation to try to get your attention surrounding the problem that they have. Engage but dont be thrown off your emotional equilibrium.

The moment you get thrown off your emotional equilibrium you go down into this mudslinging contest and nothing will be resolved. Conflict resolution is all about deescalation rather than escalation.

If the other refuse to de-escalate despite your attempts, then nothing can be done but to disengage and reengage another time. Be firm and use NVC to disengage and remember to give them a kiss.

Compromise

Compromise is the hallmark of a mature indivudal. Only a mature individual has this skill. Sometimes you both might not agree, your life experiences and beliefs are too different to come to a consensus.

Then both of you must compromise. Compromise is not a one way street, but a two pronged investment by both parties. Although both of you might not get what you want, at least you get some of it.

Inability To Reach Resolution

If you start to notice that the other starts to dominate and force their frame on you repeatedly again and again, you might be bogged down by how much emotional energy they demand.

If this happens, understand that your partner is first and foremost, unable to be independent and is relying on you to fulfill their needs. It actualizes as a defense mechanism to help them cope, and it materializes in their inability to seek resolution.

Ultimately, you need to realize that your partner may not be ready to stand alone and treat you as an equal in the relationship. Dont feel bad because there is good news!

You need not to feel that you are trapped, hopelessly resolving one conflict after another because you always have the freedom to take responsibility of the situation anytime you want. Realistically now, these are the only three options avaliable to you.

1. Allow your partner time to evolve into a person that sees the advantage of being in a position of equality.
2. Leave and find someone else of which you can be an equal with. You might have outgrown them.
3. Increase the level of communication between the both of you and figure out how to live on with your diffrences

Self Care Within Relationships

You are not a perfect person. You have holes within yourselves which you seek to fill from your partner. So long as you are not able to give the things you need from your partner to yourself, you will forever be in conflict.

It is not the responsibility of your partner to fix you. We need to learn how to love ourselves so that we show up for our partners as a whole. See my post on how to love yourself.

Conclusion

I hope this helps everyone to have more fulfilling relationships. All fulfilling realtionships involves conflict and it is a test of your skills to resolve conflict. Ultimately, you will come out the other side with deepened intimacy with your partner.

Best of luck. Please check out my other posts and practice everything holistically. Send me an email if you want a specific topic written. You can see "coaching" to see if I have room to onboard new students.

Cheers,
FriendlyWrenChilling.